After son's suicide, father vows bullying will end

EDGAR – The gentle smile and kind nature that Jonathan M. Wesener wore through his life were a mask that concealed a 16-year-old boy in agony and turmoil.

The mask was so effective that none of those closest to him — not his family members, school administrators, coaches or friends — knew anything was wrong.

Not until May 28, when his parents returned home to the horror of finding their son dead, his last words recorded on a file he left for them on his cellphone.

The recording detailed how Jonathan believed he had suffered through devastating bullying at school, including in the football locker room, and how the bullying played a role in his decision to kill himself, said his father, Steve Wesener.

"It helped us to identify the reason. .... He insisted it wasn't the family, it wasn't our fault," Wesener said. Later, text messages were found on Jonathan's cellphone that clearly show he was being bullied, his father said.

"Bits and pieces we've heard from his friends and messages on his phone have helped us (to determine Jonathan was bullied)," Wesener said. "I don't want this to happen to another child. We are determined to stop this."

Jonathan's death and apparent reasons for it have sent shock waves through this rural community of 1,479 people and Edgar High School, where administrators are vowing to review bullying policies and to try to learn from the tragedy.

But these efforts are too little and too late for Jonathan's father, who blames the school district for not recognizing a culture of bullying within its properties and is calling for other concerned parents to attend a June 29 School Board meeting and demand changes.

"I don't want another parent to go through what I have gone through," Wesener said.

Jonathan and his family

When a job opened in Wausau several years ago, Steve Wesener leaped at it as an opportunity to move his family from Sheboygan to a community with good values and good schools. He thought small-town values and closeness would be the perfect atmosphere in which he and his wife, Angela, could raise a family that included six children.

"This has been a good place to live," he said. "There are a lot of nice people here."

The Edgar community has lived up to his expectations in some ways. It has embraced his family in their time of grief, he said.

"The support, kindness has been overwhelming," Wesener said. "A lady we don't even know came into our yard a few days ago and brought beef stew, pumpkin cake and homemade chicken soup. I don't even know her name. And she said she will bring more food later. So many people are reaching out, trying to help."

But he also feels betrayed by that same small-town atmosphere that has allowed the administration of the Edgar schools to halfheartedly enforce its bullying policy — and perhaps turn a blind eye to the struggles of Jonathan, a member of the vaunted football team who intended to go on to college and study engineering, Wesener said.

About two years ago, Jonathan told his father he thought he was being bullied at school, Wesener said. When Wesener gave his son advice about handling bullies, he said Jonathan told him, "I don't want to be a bully."

Jonathan never mentioned the problem again, Wesner said, and his parents assumed the problem was resolved. Jonathan had a sunny disposition and pride in his accomplishments — he was particularly proud of being a member of the renowned Edgar High School football team, he said. Learning that the football teammates his son admired were some of the same people he accused of taunting and bullying him adds to the family's grief.

"Some of the harassing was done during the football season, in the showers and at other times," Wesener said.

Jonathan's death is causing Edgar parents to share what is happening to their children. Just as the bullying suffered by their son was an unknown, it also passes under the radar for other parents, Wesener said.

"I never knew this was such a problem until this happened. Many people have told me about bullying at (Edgar High) school," he said. "Many of Jonathan's friends have told us about how he and they have been bullied at the school. We didn't know.

"A mother told me about her son who is small for his age being picked up and dumped into the garbage can," he said. The mother also told him other boys picked up her son and held him in the bathroom sink so it would look like he wet his pants.

Examples like this show that the district needs a strong, clear policy about bullying and school officials must enforce it, Wesener said.

"We are determined to not stop until this is changed. When we get the Edgar (school bullying) policy changed, I want to take this to the state school superintendent so that the Edgar policy becomes the statewide model for bullying policies," he said.

School reaction

School officials said they are tremendously sympathetic to the Weseners and their grief, but also that they were unaware Jonathan was being bullied because neither he nor his family ever reported it.

"This tragic event has left many unanswered questions. As administrators and teachers we must now self-reflect to examine how we can build upon the supportive environment which we've created," said Cari Guden, Edgar School District administrator.

Guden pledged that she and other leaders will review policies about bullying to determine if they need to change.

Edgar High School football coach Jerry Sinz said he likewise was unaware that Jonathan was being bullied by teammates.

Bullying is not tolerated or condoned among the football team, he said. "I never witnessed anything (in the locker room)," he said.

"Jon got along well with coaches and teammates. He was respected," Sinz said.

Sinz saw Jonathan in the school's fitness center working out before the start of school on the day before he died. "I spoke to him and everything seemed fine," he said.

Steve Wesener doesn't buy those explanations. Students spend the majority of their waking hours in school and he believes school officials' claims of ignorance are an excuse for inaction.

He said district policies on bullying aren't well-known among parents and aren't easily accessible. The policies don't tell parents what to do or how to file a report if they suspect bullying, he said — and he's not sure a student already struggling with peers can be expected to seek help on his own.

The Edgar schools bullying policy is online at edgar.k12.wi.us and includes instructions that "any staff member who observes, or receives a complaint involving a pattern of repeated or severe incidents, must promptly document the complaint and take the complaint to the principal."

Nothing in the policy clearly explains how a parent or a student submits a written bullying report, Wesener said. School officials emailed the policies to the Wesener family, along with a note of condolence, after Jonathan's death.

Wesener said the way the policy is crafted gives teachers and other staff members the leeway to minimize bullying behavior. And children often don't report bullying for fear of further victimization, he said.

Who is to blame

Kenneth Dodge, a professor of psychology and neuroscience and director of the Duke University Center for Child and Family Policy, said it's impossible to determine whether bullying alone can push a child to end his own life. What can be said for certain is that being bullied can overwhelm a young person.

"Rigorous studies do show that the experience of being bullied predicts later depression, anxiety, and low well-being," Dodge wrote in an email. Dodge was referred to Gannett Central Wisconsin Media by the National Institute of Mental Health as a specialist in bullying and mental health research.

"Generally, an act such as suicide occurs as the result of a combination of numerous factors that might include depression, biological processes, social isolation, and prior history of adverse experiences. Perhaps being bullied is among those factors, but it would be difficult scientifically to isolate bullying as a sole or even primary cause," Dodge wrote.

Jonathan's family is unaware of other issues, such as depression, that would have contributed to suicide, Wesener said. "As far as we know, (bullying) was it. (If there were contributing factors), those are the answers we will never know," he said.

What he does know is that he won't rest until the district addresses what happened and takes steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

"We aren't going to stop until we have policies that will change things. We can't stop. This shouldn't happen to another child. We will change this," Wesener said.

Reporter Liz Welter can be reached at 715-384-3131, or by email at lwelter@newsheraldmedia.com. Find her on Twitter as @welter_liz